I had a dream last night. It’s a simple story to tell. I met S again, and he proposes to me out on the blue the day we meet, and I say yes, and we live happily ever after.
I wake up, and immediately feel the lightness from the absence of a ring on my finger under the covers. I had apparently gotten really invested in this dream, believing it to be real. Talk about cruel jokes.
I guess with all the hullabaloo over the royal wedding tomorrow, my subconscious thought it could have its own little miracle.
Well, nice try.
While no one reading is likely to be surprised at my inclination for such dreams, what I am is exasperated. I thought I was past the needing a marriage to be happy. I thought I was finally happy on my own. I have found purpose beyond landing a guy. I want to become an expert in my field. I want to become a writer. I want to become a Werq instructor. I want to do humanitarian work. I want to raise kids, possibly adopt. And all of these are my dreams that are mine alone, not necessarily needing a pretty boy by my side while I do them. S? Really? Why can’t I get over that already?
I guess it has to have something to do with the fact that I went to bed sad at my relationship with J. Oh yes, J is still in the picture. Very much so. But it has been a struggle. I have been trying to be more open and understanding and trusting and that seemed to be working well for us. Yesterday was just a small discord, but the thing with J is, anytime there’s a little discord he says the meanest things. Things that my poor little heart can’t take. And then I end up having one of those days where I feel at the verge of tears any given moment. Tearful not just cause of that one thing, but because that triggers memories of all the things I shrugged off in the past. Like S cheating. Why did he have to go and do that? Or the horrific memories about people at work during my intern year. Why was I so gullible?
And no, this is not about just wanting a wedding. Cause J has made it very clear that we are actually headed in that direction. Last week, for instance, he told me he wanted to move in. That he wanted me to meet his mother. He said “That is the natural direction I want our relationship to go, and I hope you feel the same way”. I mean, things I had dreamed S would say for years. So then, shouldn’t I be more happy, and not be having dreams of engagements with my exes? What more do I need from him? A 401k? Ugh.
To be fair, in the dream, while I was certainly happy to be engaged to S, ‘relieved’ was a more accurate description of how I felt. And oddly it did not feel right. Like S would have been right for me at one point, but not anymore. He is perfect for me in so many ways. We share so many likes, and had so much fun. But I wanted more. I wanted my guy to be more enamored with me, a la V, but not that much. Like I want to feel secure enough to know he won’t cheat on me, but he should only give me enough attention so I’m kept interested.
Come to think of it, that’s exactly what J does. He has not exactly been as available like say, a regular guy with a job in finance would have been. And that frustrates me to no end. We might have gone for plays or the symphony or something. Gone kayaking? Shopped together for groceries at Trader Joe’s? But J has been amazing and wonderful in so many other ways. He is tough, he is strong, he is righteous and honorable. He and I have the same values and politics. I already know he is an amazing father. These are things that may not be the case with the regular fuckboy from finance who goes to Whole Foods. Things that I should not be taking for granted. And, my friends say, he is actually good looking, which I hadn’t noticed until now – looks aren’t the biggest deal to me. Plus he does have a degree from UCLA – kind of a big deal? He has a passion and career goals in MMA which he’s really good at. He is responsible enough to have been saving away for a college fund for his 3 year old. And, to top it all off, like Sarah Jessica Parker says in Sex and the City, he is an excellent spooner! Wtf is wrong with me?
Ok I should just chill.