It was another Sunday alone. She could go on about that but she was not going to. Instead she reflected on her journey through these tough times. She had come so far. One year ago she struggled to get out of bed every morning. Now, for the first time in a long time, she could say she was genuinely somewhat happy.
She never thought she’d be one of those people who said this, but her healing had begun through Yoga. It was December last year, when a friend asked her to go with her to the Yoga studio that was just a few steps from her place. She did not think much of it. Her mother practiced every day, but she herself was definitely never a smoothie-drinking, yoga pant-wearing kinda chick. But her friend wanted company and she had a hard time saying no to people so she agreed to go. But it turned out to be her first step towards the self-care that she desperately needed. It was a slow progress, with definite setbacks. But now, finally, she was at a place where she could look forward to her days. Days that she had filled with art, culture, learning and self-growth. And accomplishments.
She decided to make a list of her accomplishments in the past year.
1. Pased Step 3 USMLE boards with a good score.
2. Earned laurels at work.
3. Learned to dream about the future again.
4. Decided on a future career path.
5. Managed to complete the fellowship application procedure in a timely and effective manner.
6. Managed to bag over 80 interviews across the country.
6. Found the drive to travel and attend interviews at her top choices.
7. To the best of her knowledge, did well in those interviews.
8. Developed the grace to accept the outcome of the application come what may.
9. Read four books in the last month.
10. Started listening to music again.
11. Became interested in her work again.
12. Attended church regularly, without expecting anything in return from God.
13. Started following the news.
14. Learned to switch the TV on to a news channel when she found herself lonely or brooding at home – focusing on things larger than herself.
15. Went to her first meetup group and decided to return.
16. Started a skincare regimen. And stuck to it.
17. Started getting monthly massages.
18. Started getting monthly facials.
19. Paid every single bill on time.
20. Improved her credit score.
21. Signed up for a Volleyball game.
22. Developed restraint in her social media postings.
23. Bought herself flowers regularly.
24. Started having breakfast daily.
25. Stopped beating herself up for her mistakes.
26. Started really loving herself, for the person she was, and not for her achievements. Stopped caring about what other people thought of her, like completely. She knew she was kind and good and special. That’s all that mattered.
27. Started listening to podcasts on long journeys, on her walks.
28. Stopped feeling sorry or self-conscious about going to places by herself.
29. Finally found not one, but three perfect shades of lipstick for her skin (Sephora ColorIQ is an amazing tool ladies)
30. Learned to curl her hair, for the first time in her life.
31. Learned to contour (Sorry boys, this is another girl thing. You don’t wanna know).
32. Started developing female friendships, for the first time in her life.
33. Discovered who her real friends were. Forgave the rest for abandoning her in her time of need.
34. Started this blog, to turn her grief into art.
35. Accepted that S was the love of her life. And that she would be happy with having had the chance to spend seven beautiful years with him. Accepted that she would never find it in herself to love anyone else, and that that was ok. She would love him unconditionally from a distance, without ever expecting anything in return.
She smiles in relief. She still had a long way to go, but her heart was already full.