Love Story (cont’d)

Ok I’ve fallen for this man. Desperately. It happened when I least expected it. Hit me like a truck out of nowhere. Knocked me out of my breath.

I had forgotten how glorious this feels. How you can’t believe the universe conjured up this amazing human for you.  This adorable, honorable, ruggedly handsome man who makes your legs crumble beneath you. He is suddenly everything. The way his eyes twinkle when he smiles at your door. His goodbye kisses that never end. His playfulness. His vulnerabilities. That intense look he has on his face when he’s deep in thought. His stories. His youthful excitement about comic book superheroes. His sacrifice of that very same youth for the sake of his beloved son. That scar near his left eye from his past. Those scars on his soul from his past.

I had forgotten how painful this feels.  My stomach is constantly in the pits. I have non-stop anxiety.  I feel powerless. Without control. Like a derailed train. I can all but put one step in front of other because of fear of losing him now. All I can think of is “When can I see him again?” He is like the drug. I am the addict craving for my next hit. I can’t analyze anymore. Cause I can’t afford to draw painful conclusions about his behavior. I don’t wanna hear any of it.  I am completely,  unrevocably in love with him. I hate it so much.

And of course the hot tattooed woman from his past has to show up right at this moment.

*glares at the universe*

Love story

So yeah I really don’t know where to start. Its been a while I know, and obviously that is because stuff happened. Stuff I am trying to process. Its been so emotionally exhausting that I don’t even have the energy to write this. I wish I could just say random words and be comprehensible enough. Random words like…..

Boyfriend. Yes. Long story. Short story – great kisser. Me – vary. Me – way out of boy’s league. Me – give him a chance. Red flags. Sex. Third date. He – I love you. He – wants forever. He – you are going to be my wife, I promise, you’ll see. He – has kid. Kid – adorable. Me – let’s guard down. Me – falls hard. He – cancels dates. Promises more. Cancels again. Excuses legit. Or are they? Me – sweet. He – rude. Kid priority. Me – tries to understand. Friends – break up with him. Me – got the feels. Me – confused. Mixed signals. Why. Did not need this. Fuck.

Sigh.

The club

Past few days have been really good.  I am glad to report that I did not falter. I did not spend any time thinking about S. Or V. Or anyone else. I think a lot of it had to do with this fancy new gym/club I joined.  Self-care is the way to go when you are trying to move on from a relationship. Self-care and putting yourself in close proximity to good looking white boys for a few hours each evening;). 

I kid. While it’s nice and reaffirming to have a cute boy smile at me at the gym every now and then, I actually am not looking.  For the first time in my whole life, it’s not about having love in my life. I am happy. And I really like myself. I enjoy my own company. Also, I am completely focused on the task at hand. I finally have managed to entice myself back into taking care of my body.

I think as women we are unfortunately  conditioned by society to base our happiness on our looks. As a result, the fact that I put on 40 pounds in one year post my breakup really played into my unhappiness. It was easy to turn to food for comfort. Suddenly having developed severe shin splints did not help either. Nor did the antidepressants. Running was always my way to get back into shape when I fell off the wagon a little. But now I couldn’t do that anymore. Besides, I found my gym incredibly dull. It was the local suburban YMCA, more catered to families and the elderly. Nothing made me want to go. I had given up on yoga. Tried noom coach. But the vicious cycle continued. To be honest, and vain, I felt like an attractive woman trapped in someone else’s body.

Then early this week I finally had some time in front of me without any planned travel, and I was ready to get out of the rut. A friend had told me about this gym a while back, situated at this hip neighbourhood a few miles from mine.  The distance had put me off initially. Then three days ago I casually Googled them, and Google Mapped them, and was blown away.  It was everything I was looking for.  And there was a bus right at my doorstep. It would take me less than 3 dollars and 15 minutes to get there!  On a whim, I signed up.  I was ready to make a change.  

And man, was I in for a surprise. I don’t know if it is my naivete, but the place was fancy as fuck! The kind that made you actuallyy want to go to the gym. Ok just to give you an idea here is a list of amenities. 

1. Open 24 hours on weekdays

2. Group classes included in membership. Hello again yoga, pilates, zumba and spinning.  It is nice to see you all again.  

3. My wonderful, kickass personal trainer,  J. Weights? Woah. Comfort zone nowhere in sight at this point. 

4. Eucalyptus infused towels for your face after working out (wtf!)

5. Clean bath towels

6. Clean gym towels

7. Showers

8. Lockers

9. TV with cable on each cardio equipment! I don’t even have CNN at my place!  

10. Climbing wall

11. Volleyball leagues

12. Dietician 

13. Spa 

14. Pool

15. Hot tub

16. Fancy exercise bikes with simulation videos

17. Healthy food bar, with smoothies and shit

18. Incentives for working out

19. 30 day guarantee 

20. Aforementioned cuties.

Best thing I’ve spent my money on recently.