My heart is broken.
Where did you go? Why did you leave me? Did you leave? Or did something happen to you? I don’t know. I am scared and sad and my heart is just in a million pieces. How could you do this to me? To us? You know I’d be worried. You know I’d panic. You know I love you so much.
The only explanation I could think of is that you were actually one of the bad guys. And Lord knows there are a lot of them out there. But you, you were special, and good, and so full of integrity and honor. Its what I loved about you. Right?
Was I not good enough? Did I push you away? Surely I was reasonable. I did everything by your terms. Everything you asked me to. When you wanted to be exclusive the day after we met, I obliged. When you said I love you on date three, I said it back to you, even when I wasn’t sure, making myself believe it from that moment on. When you asked me if I would marry you, I said yes, because I wanted to give you every bit of happiness I could. When you needed cash for gas money and for your son’s daycare I sent it to you, even when I was short for rent myself. When you did not wanna wear condoms I got on birth control, trusting you to keep us safe. When you acted in ways I would consider disrespectful in bed, I learnt to not hate it. When you wouldn’t go down on me, I still did it for you when you asked me. When you did not want to reply to texts for hours I accepted that, choosing to believe your reasons. When you wanted to move in, I started making arrangements for it, not for a second stopping to wonder if you would pay the rent. When you asked me to meet your mother, I started learning Spanish so I could talk to her. When you cancelled on meeting my friends the fourteenth time, I still invited you for event fifteen. When you did not take me out ever after our first date, I justified that thinking that you probably could not afford it. When you said hurtful things to me every time I brought my concerns up respectfully, I apologised. When your past was potentially risky for my life and career, I brushed it off, trusting you to stay away from it. When your ex gf showed up in town, I trusted you to do the right thing. When you said I promise you I’m gonna marry you the last time we met, I believed you.
Should I have? Because I haven’t heard from you since.