I woke up at 3 am today. Then again at 5 am. Early morning awakening. A classic sign of depression. Am I slipping?
I had to write.
I could go on about what brought this sudden change on, but I’m too exhausted to tell stories right now. I just have the headspace for writing about my feelings. It had to do with two uber drivers who asked me out, my being completely naive about men in America, and as my friend A put it, for whatever reason, my standards being “very very low right now”.
I still value these experiences. I have only fallen in love with people I know, never ‘dated’ technically. Now I have. Now I know what sleeping with someone is like. It had to happen at some point I guess. It is out of my system now. How can you say you’re actually an adult if you’ve never had a crazy experience in love – like having your heart broken by two uber drivers in the same week?! I mean, oh my god. What the fuck was I thinking?!!
I always thought my kindness was my greatest strength. This week I learnt it is also my greatest weakness. Even with red flags waving in my face frantically, I decided to give these men a chance because, as I said to a friend before embarking on this ridiculous episode, ” I don’t want to be superficial’. I had always valued intelligence, wit, humor, accomplishments and integrity in men. I remember always thinking that I could only be attracted to someone more or at least as intelligent as me. Here, all I had to go on was their perceived integrity. “Perceived” being the operative word. Again, what the fuck was I thinking?!!
Was I desperate? Did I just want to get over S and V for good at any cost? I guess I was, and I did. But also, I just wanted to be like…held. 2.5 years without any human physical contact in a strange fucked up country (sorry America, but I’m mad right now) can make you do crazy things you’d never do otherwise.
I think my lesson here can be best summed up by my text exchange with my bisexual friend who has come to become the perfect relationship advisor. I mean I don’t think the perspective can get any better – a guy who has dated women before, but now is into men? That is just pure gold.