You know, I really need to write about him. I mean, he’s all I think about all day.
No, its not romantic. Its annoying really. Because most of the thoughts are perplexities. Is that a word? Yeah, seems like it – I don’t see any grammar lines.
Am I really only in this relationship because he is an amazing kisser, and I just really really like being kissed? And kissed well, may I add – he does the whole ‘looking deeply into your eyes, framing your face with his palms, kissing you, tenderly at first, then passionately, then pulling back, looking into your eyes again, smiling as if you are the last fucking woman on the planet, while pushing your hair back from your face’ move that guys in movies do. So yeah.
Well, to be honest he also is great at hugs. One of my favorite moments with him is every time he comes over and I go downstairs to let him into my building – he walks in, his jacket all wet from the rain or snow, smiles, looks me in the eye, kisses me tenderly and then hugs me tight, as if he never wants to let go. In his arms I feel all my stresses of the week melt away, as I hold onto him for dear life…
..for who knows when I might see him again.
And that’s the problem here. He disappears. For days at a time. No calls, no texts. No nothing. Well, not nothing. I can see he’s using my Netflix so that’s there:/ So its not like he is busy working or with his son. As I write this I can picture Jared Freid shaking his head at my typical-girl-naivete. I really should be breaking up with this guy shouldn’t I? He really is just fucking around with me isn’t he? Ugh. Ok I’m gonna do it. Maybe the next time we meet, whenever that is.
*30 seconds later*
But he said he loves me! What if he meant it? What if he actually meant every single thing he has said so far. The things that make it so fucking hard for me to let go. The things that every woman hopes her guy says to her like one, two or in my case with S, seven years into the relationship? And its been barely a month. He wanted to be exclusive on day two – “I don’t like the idea of you spending time with a guy you meant to have a date with, even if you are not interested anymore, but you are free to make your own decision, and I will always respect your choice. But just so you know, as of this morning I cut out all the people I had been talking to and cancelled any dates I had planned, cause this is important to me.” Okay then, so that’s decided. He said ‘I love you’ on the third date. He said ‘you are the girl I’m going to spend the rest of my life with’ on like day fucking fourteen, I think? “I know you don’t see it, but you are going to be my wife one day, I promise. You’ll see.” Well, cue swoon I guess.
I was teasing S about it the other day, saying maybe the universe is making it up to me for him not proposing for a decade by having all these guys be talking marriage in two weeks. First V, now J. I mean yes, a former me would have taken all this at face value. But well, you know by now I’ve been burned enough times to be vary of all mush. The Betches always say when a guy moves too fast, that’s a red flag. He just is saying whatever it takes to sleep with you. Also, guys can say a bunch of bullshit and it doesn’t mean anything apparently. Its what they do that matters. And so far there has been zero effort from his part. Well not zero. He does have to drive 40 minutes to get to my place. But that’s the thing – after our first date there have been no ‘dates’ – there’s only been do-you-want-me-to-come-overs? Ugh. I am so fucking stupid.
Unless you count that one time we went to IHOP after sex. Which I highly recommend by the way. Or ordered Mexican. See that’s the thing – whenever I am with him its really fun. I mean, I am not even kidding, but we made out for a solid hour in the middle of a Women’s Rumble Watch with pro wrestlers looking on, for our first date. I don’t think most first dates are that exciting. It definitely is not the kind of intellectually superior back and forth that gets me going usually – and that’s another red flag. Would I be bored out of my mind in two months? Once the initial infatuation fizzles out? Although, I’m not even sure there is infatuation here. I mean, I do really really care for him, and love him in a way. But am I ‘in love’ with him?
Then of course there’s the part of me that’d rather me be the one who’s hurt. After S and V, I know that breaking up with someone is particularly hard for me. I don’t have it in me to hurt someone who loves me like that, and I’m not trying to be a saint when I say that. Its almost selfish – I just cannot deal with the guilt. So I think, the ideal scenario here would be for him to like ghost me or whatever. That would suck, but also would be for the best.
Which might actually happen, considering I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday morning.
Ok so that’s decided then. I am not going to reach out. I’m going to pull back, wait for him to come to me. If he wants. If not, well at least I got laid at 28.